If you are experiencing an affair or other serious betrayal by your partner, you are in the midst of a legitimate emotional crisis.

Many people describe the process of grieving and recovering from an affair as more complex and painful than recovering from the death of a loved one. The loss of trust and self-esteem that often accompany betrayal send many people into a time of self-doubt, disbelief, shock, anger, hopelessness, and sadness. Additionally, because of taboos associated with extramarital sex in Western culture, the discoverer of an affair may feel as if they have no where to turn for support and no one to talk to. They may feel shame and guilt about their partner’s affair which can lead to social isolation.

If you have recently discovered your partner’s affair you are likely in a lot of pain right now. You may feel totally bewildered and have many questions about why this happened, what you could have done to prevent it, and what it means for the future of your relationship. You may feel that you don’t recognize your partner because their actions were so reckless and dishonest.

A few things you should know about affairs:

• The affair is not your fault. Even if you made mistakes, your partner had other choices. They could’ve been honest with you about how they were feeling. They could have left you before they broke your trust.
• 70% of marriages that experience affairs do NOT end in divorce.
• When people leave their marriage for their affair, the new relationship rarely survives (3 to 7% survive).
• There are different kinds of affairs: Emotional, sexual, short-term, long-term, one-night stands, philandering, etc. The common denominator is that important needs are being met outside the agreed upon structure of the relationship.
• Affairs have an extremely addictive quality and people typically experience a powerful high associated with their affair.
• People often mistake the intense rush of feelings they experience in their affair for love.  They often compare these intense feelings with their primary relationship and use the difference to justify the affair.  Most people exiting affairs realize at some point that what they felt was not based on a real foundation, but on the rush of something new, the universally positive reflection of self they got from their affair partner, the secrecy, and the drama.
• People in the exit stage of their affair typically experience a withdrawal that includes depression, ambivalence about their primary relationship, and a feeling that normal life is not exciting.
• Affairs most commonly occur with people who are seen regularly—at work or in the social circle.
• Many people enter affairs because they offer freedom from normal social roles. Because these social roles are put aside, affairs exist in a bubble or fantasy world. This allows affair partners to romanticize each other. When the bubble breaks, people often report being stunned by how little they truly know about their affair partner.

Out of respect for each person’s unique situation, and because of the complexity of affairs, I will offer only limited concrete advice here. However, if you have recently discovered your partner’s affair, I will encourage you to STOP for a moment before taking any action. You are likely in more pain and confusion right now than you have ever experienced, so your judgment is understandably clouded. There are many good books you can find online that cover all aspects of affairs—from discovery to recovery. Please take the time to research a couple of these books right now. If you would like my recommendations for reading, feel free to email me. There are also a number of excellent websites with resources that will help you understand what is going on. Gathering information to increase your understanding of affairs will be both a life-raft and a compass for you in the months to come. Please use this information to take stock of your situation before you make any major decisions. Here are two helpful websites to visit:

In counseling I can help you explore your situation, deal with your pain, express your feelings and values, and examine your relationship. I can provide you with education about different kinds of affairs, how they typically progress, and how they should end. I can help you generate an action plan and set firm boundaries with your partner to give you the best chance of reaching the resolution you want.

Please feel free to call me at (503) 757-6259 or email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it if you have questions about affairs or infidelity.  Thanks for your interest in my practice.

(c) 2008 Great Northwest Counseling, Portland, OR